Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
