I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
this is an emotional support booty call
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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