3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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