I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
