I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
