waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
