I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
