if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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