yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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