I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
