Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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