Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
