i need an iv and a liver transplant
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
