Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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