your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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