life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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