life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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