i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
