Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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