The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
