Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
