just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
