how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had to cum in my sink.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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