Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
