'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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