Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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