sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
