Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
