Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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