I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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