I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
