All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
