I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
