Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
