The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
