headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
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I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize