everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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