Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
