Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize