You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize