you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
