He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
