Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
