there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
