I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am mentally ready for anal.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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