The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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