I cannot find my penis.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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