oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
