when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
