We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
