Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
