yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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