haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
