I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
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I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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