I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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