I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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