They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I did not marry a roomba.
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