I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
