I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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