this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
