i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
the liver wants what the liver wants
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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