I'm lost and stupid without you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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