i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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