I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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