You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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