my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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