dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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